The winter holidays approach. You breathe in the crisp December air. Snow crunches underfoot. And you may be looking forward to gatherings with the people you love and preparing for special traditions that are close to your heart.
One thing no one looks forward to, though, is the body shaming that can sneak into these celebrations. Body shaming involves making negative, intrusive, unwanted, or comparing comments about your own body or others’ bodies. Body shaming can focus on any aspect of physicality but around the holidays, shaming comments usually focus on food, weight, and body shape/size. This can sound like, “Oh, there are so many calories in that!”, “I’ll have to run X miles tomorrow to make up for eating this”, or “Have you lost (or gained) weight?”
Even if a comment about someone’s body is intended as a compliment, it may have a negative impact on the person whose body is being discussed or on the people hearing these comments. Many people I’ve worked with on eating disorder recovery have shared that they receive a lot of compliments from loved ones and strangers about their weight loss when they are in the midst of disordered eating and are starving themselves in order to achieve the weight loss. Then when they go through recovery and are putting in tremendous effort to heal their relationship with food and their body, the compliments stop and are sometimes replaced by criticism. This can then become a barrier to their recovery efforts. Other people you will meet may be going through a frightening and painful illness that is making it hard for them to eat and/or maintain a healthy weight. There are far kinder ways to make small talk at holiday gatherings than by commenting on someone’s body. Let’s get creative and look for something else to chat about this year! Did you know Jamie just adopted a cat? Awesome, I bet they would love to show you pictures of their cat meeting Santa. That’s a way better conversation starter!
Now, before you start pointing your finger at the worst body shamers you know, let’s pause and take a look at ourselves first. Be honest, do you criticize your own body (either in your head or out loud)? Do you sometimes find yourself making automatic assumptions about other people based on their appearance? Unless you’re veeeery lucky, the answer is probably a resounding, “Ok, fine, YES! Are you happy now?!” (Good work, I know it’s hard to acknowledge it. You’re not alone.)
But guess what? Automatic thoughts are the result of socialization. Automatic thoughts are the ones that show up habitually, without intentional effort. If I say “Roses are red, violets are…”. Your brain just automatically filled in “blue”, if you grew up with that saying. We all grew up with sayings and beliefs that were repeated over and over, and eventually they became automatic beliefs. Picture yourself as a young child. This child didn’t get to choose which beliefs they were exposed to. If you have automatic negative thoughts about your body and others’ bodies, it is likely because you were exposed to messages about body ideals over and over until the messages became your automatic reaction.
So, what do we do about automatic thoughts? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggests that we notice them, accept that they are there, refrain from judging ourselves for having the thoughts, and mindfully choose the thoughts and actions we want to practice in response. This could look like noticing the thought “I need to lose weight. I can’t believe I ate that cookie.”, choosing not to judge yourself for having that thought, and choosing what you want to do or say in response to this. Maybe you choose to defy this thought by giving yourself a little hug, thanking yourself for feeding your body, connecting with your breath, and mindfully choosing what you want to do next. (If that’s not accessible to you yet, it’s ok. Do what you can.)
Maybe you will choose to move toward body neutrality. Body neutrality means viewing your body and parts of your body as neither “good” nor “bad”. It doesn’t require you to love everything about the way your body functions or looks at all times. Body neutrality allows us to notice automatic thoughts we were trained to have about bodies and choose whether we want to keep doing what these thoughts tell us to do.
Here are some other practices to consider when you find yourself (or someone else) feeding into body shaming:
Try out the practice of radical acceptance. Radical acceptance means accepting something as it is, even if you wish it was different. Our bodies will naturally go through changes throughout our lives, and many of the changes won’t be within our control. We can’t will our toenails to stop growing and we will always have limited power over our body’s shape and size. When we accept what is, we can more effectively work through our feelings about it and actively choose how we want to respond.
Notice how comments from others are impacting your relationship with your body. Even if you love that person, it’s ok to let someone know that a comment is hurtful or you would prefer not to talk about a certain topic. If you don’t feel safe being honest with that person, that’s ok. You can also set a “behavioral boundary” rather than a “verbal boundary” by choosing to leave a conversation, change the topic, or make a big-picture decision about the time you spend with that person.
Wear clothes that you like and that feel comfortable. Trying to force your body into something that does not fit can create the feeling that your body is wrong, when in reality that item of clothing is just not what you need. Finding clothes that always feel comfortable can get tricky in some situations, especially if you are dealing with PCOS or another condition that causes frequent weight fluctuations. If you’re interested in learning more about how to be a savvy shopper and pick out clothing designed to work with weight fluctuations, check out this video by the amazing YouTuber Leena Norms (some spicy language, so proceed with caution if you have little ears around you).
Give yourself permission to feed your body and enjoy food. Food serves many valid purposes, including keeping us alive, giving us nutrients we need to be well, sensory enjoyment, bonding with others, and celebration. Building a mindful relationship with food may involve exploring how you have used (or denied yourself) food in the past, what the context was, where you learned to do this, and choosing how you want to use food in the future. Take time to enjoy this part of being alive in whatever way is accessible to you right now.
Build community and relationships on a foundation of respect for all people and bodies, as well as treating movement as a part of life that can be fun and communal. This can look like being thoughtful about how you talk about bodies/exercise/food, having honest and compassionate conversations with loved ones who are using the language of diet culture, and building social norms that lift everyone up. Let’s leave behind lazy comedy that mocks people for just existing in their bodies. I think we can do better.
Take a look at how social media, TV shows, ads, etc. are impacting your relationship with your body. What triggers you to compare yourself with others? How do you feel when you have been spending a lot of time scrolling on Instagram, watching a certain show, or following a certain content creator?
Let’s set our resolution early this year. Let’s resolve to embrace this holiday season without body-shaming talk. Let’s work to find personal enjoyment and balance in our relationship with food (and not offer unsolicited comments to others about their food choices or their weight as they try to celebrate with us). Let’s embrace movement as a place for us to explore and have fun, rather than using it as a way to “make up” for the food we enjoyed with loved ones. Let’s embrace a spirit of adding in more things that feed our bodies, our hearts, and our relationships.
And maybe this will add up to even happier holidays for us all!